Monday, Monday ...

Well – Another Monday and still no magical offers of employment.  The job boards this morning are empty of roles that I could perform.  I feel like I’ve tapped out the good will of friends and colleagues who were so anxious to help when I was initially let go from my company of 28 years.  Seven months later, I am still emotional. Hurt. Angry. Bereft. Fearful. Why me? Why, at this point in my life?

A successful business woman for all those years. Someone whom people could count on to help out, get the job done, come through in a pinch. A woman with stature, power, wisdom. Hopefully, grace.

Who woulda thunk it? 

I think back to all the times I stepped out on a limb to do the right thing. Did I step too far?  

I think about joking with my team about my retirement count-down. (Now that was probably very stupid!)  

We all grouse about our bosses, but did some un-complementary comment, spoken in a confidential conversation, wend its way back to him/her?

In all the rounds and rounds of layoffs that I participated in and survived over the last 15 years, I tried to be kind.  To offer help to colleagues who needed a letter of recommendation or an introduction to a hiring manager.  I fought for funding to keep contract staff productive and on-board. (Probably long after I should have.)

Ego?  Did I get too cocky, comfortable, was I not appropriately respectful to some superior?  Did I push too hard for a program, employee – choose the wrong hill to die on?  Because my professional life does, indeed, seem to be dead this beautiful September morning.

Seven months.  I still rack my brain every morning to find the clue as to WHY?

Pema Chodron, the first American woman to be ordained in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, makes an observation about the healing nature of pausing in one’s flight though life. “In the next moment, in the next hour, we could choose to stop, to slow down, to be still for a few seconds. We could experiment with interrupting the usual chain reaction, and not spin off in the usual ways. We don’t need to blame someone else and we don’t need to blame ourselves.”

I am reaching for my car keys. Time to pause to watch the harbor seals, and let go of today’s blame game …

There’s always tomorrow.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Lao Tzu

And so, Siobhan begins her India adventure. One step. Months of reading, studying, research. 20 hours in an airplane. Weeks of planning, hand-wringing and imaginings. Tens of arguments. Sleepless nights. Worry. Giddy excitement. Packing. Re-packing. A few more arguments. We frame these loud discussions with sick humor. Hysterical laughing. Weeping.

The sky weeps, too. Bawls, really. What happens when a N’oreaster meets Gulf Stream low pressure system? A hybrid creating chaos, cold and wind. “Danny” --the name for a sweet Irish lad. Not. Possibility of flights delayed or cancelled. The drive into Boston is tense. The rain falls sideways and people drive like the moon is full. I try to shoot some video of this first step. Lame.

We sit together for a few minutes to savor a “last” taste of New England: a bowl of Legal chowder with fish and chips. Jesse Jackson and two companions eat at the table behind us. They looked tired, sad, distracted, having recently attended Ted Kennedy’s funeral Mass in Mission Hill. Another journey originating in Boston today.

American flight 547 leaves right on time.

Sio calls from the arrival gate in Chicago. They have landed. She is safe and excited. She’s worried about hauling her stuffed carry-ons to the international terminal. As luck would have it, her departure gate is right next to her arrival gate. In the Ladies, she shoots and posts a “thumbs-up” pic on FaceBook. On her way.

I study her face and wonder why she must travel 10,000 miles to discover her independence. Dear Siobhan, may this journey enrich your life in so many ways. I wish I could share some of these times with you, but I know they are your times, not mine.

“I dreamed a thousand new paths. I woke and walked my old one.” Chinese Proverb. I wear comfortable shoes with new orthotics. I carry too much baggage around my waist. I am envious of your adventure, but content to sit by the sea wall and watch the seals. On Mondays I play with dear Dora and on Wednesdays, sweet Avery totally tires me out.

Have a blast, Baby Girl.